Coping with Divorce & Blended Families

      Divorce is and has been on the rise for awhile now. Divorce is viewed as a necessary exit out of a marriage that is rotting from the inside out. I learned a lot about this subject along with the result of it: blended families and step families. 

      Studies have shown that 70% of divorcees, remarried after a couple of years. Now what what interesting is that 70% of divorcees also said that they not only could of, but should of saved the marriage they were previously in. In the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, we believe that marriage is between a man and woman and that when we marry, if in the temple, we make sacred covenants with each other to do all we can to stay together. There are two different marriages that have significant differences:

Contract Marriage- This where two people come together and meet in the middle to "complete" each other such as a 50-50 marriage.

Covenant Marriage- This is where two people make a promise to both give their 100% to the other and to God, no matter what the other one does; as they do so, they will come closer together, as they come closer to God. The two people rather than "completing" each other, they make each other whole.

      My wife, Ashley, and I made a covenant with each other and to God that we would honor for the rest of eternity. We believe that marriage isn't just for this life, but for the next also. But why is a covenant more important than a contract?

      A covenant makes us more committed to each other and to God. We are accountable for our actions and deeds. We are accountable for how we treat each other. Spencer W. Kimbal, who was then Prophet of the Church, said that " it is certain that almost any good man and any good woman can have happiness and a successful marriage if both are willing to pay the price." They must be commited to God and to each other to make it work. Change and love should always prevail in the relationship.

      There are six stations of divorce:

1.       Emotional Divorce- Im not interested in my partners well being.

2.       Legal Divorce- Judge gives document that says no longer married.

3.       Economic Divorce-($25,000 legal fees) Total Cost ($125,000 is total fees)

4.       Co-Parental Divorce- Divide everything between eachother with children (hard)

5.       Community Divorce- Couple friends. . . its awkward. Who are you loyal to? it divdes the community.

6.       Psychic Divorce

       Now divorce has a significant role and is usually the cause of blended families. A blended family is a "his, hers, and ours" family. Although it may seem like a simple idea of puting families together like that, it is a lot more difficult than it appears even in movies. When a parent remarries, the children are mostly affected. It is known among family studies that it takes atleast 2 years for any child to come to a sense of normalcy in the home. I know that it has taken a toll on me. My parents were divorced when I was 16, and both my parents are with new spouses. I don't believe that I will ever come to a "sense of normalcy" mainly because I am not around them; I live on my own. My teacher, who has been in family practice for over 15 years, said that that is quiet normal to see. 

       So, how can we, as victims of divorced parents, make any sense of all this chaos and feel normal again? I believe that one of the only ways to do that is to start our own families with a sense of determination, forgiveness, love, and support. Although we have had it hard, we can be of great resource to those that are going through similiar circumstances as we once did. There was someone that said once that the only way to be happy is to give back. As we go through experiences that are hard remember that it is challenges that make life interesting; but overcoming them is what makes life meaningful. I testify that that is true. Although I have passed through many experiences that could have kept me in a pit of misery, I chose to pick myself up, look to God and find ways to strengthen myself so that I can help others. I love my wife and I love the Lord. He will help us in our trials. I testify to that. 

To read an article on uniting blended families, go to: www.lds.org/ensign/1997/08/uniting-blended-families?lang=eng

Parenting Teens: Their Most Influential Time in Life

So whats the big deal with parenting? There are many reasons for parenting--especial teens. A couple of those reasons include:

• Its an opportunity to learn to love and to be loved
•     Parents learn from children (child-like qualities)
•     Children learn the values of their parents
•      Parents need to learn to create and care for their creations (just like Heavenly Father).

But what kinds of parents out there? How do we know which category we fall under? There are three types of parenting styles:

·         Authoritarian- “DO WHAT I SAY BECAUSE I SAID SO”; Adult regulates

·         Authoritative - means they are the authority but there is give and take with the children.

·         Permissive- Often disengaged; Parents are friends not the parent; the parent wants the child’s approval; no respect

Popkins, of Family Research, said that the purposes of parenting are to:

•                 Protect our children
•                 Prepare our children to survive and thrive in the world

Popkins teaches 4 Ballast characteristics (all children need to be successful in life):

1.       Courage- means do the right thing even know I am scared.

2.       Responsibility

3.       Cooperation

4.       Respect

Along with this list, Popkins also has said that there are 5 major needs that everone (especially children) must get:

Negative (What they do)	Need	Positive (What we need to do)
Undo Attention Seeking	Contact, Belonging	Offer it freely          Teach them to contribute
Control Others           -Power struggles	Power	Give them choices       Have them Learn natural consequences= Responsible
	Protection
	Withdrawals (breaks from life)
	Challenge

If these needs aren't met, they will do the negative part of it. We must fulfill these needs so that we can complete our purpose as parents.

I know that the way the LDS Church is set up, the gospel with all of its programs and responsibilities that it requires on its members, that it is set up in a way to help our children become the next generation of leaders. I wasn't fortunate to grow up in a home of gospel principles and thus, had to learn many things the hard way. I was blessed to learn many other principles, such as work ethic, but didnt get the chance to learn the essentials that the gospel teaches. May we learn these principles to protect and teach our children, while becoming like our Heavenly Father as we do so.

The Importance of Work in the Family at Home

The home is the perfect place to be taught and instructed. One of the most important things to teach and learn in the home is the importance of work in the family. Adam taught us this example by laboring by "the sweat of his brow." We can see that true happiness in life comes from hard work. It seems that in today's society, we are veering away from that important principle by eliminating as much work as possible. Many parents inhibit their children by eliminating the struggles they have to pass through by giving their children all that they might need. This type of habit has been accelerating since the 50's. Things were very different in the past. For example, a 14 year old Mormon boy invented the TV. He figured it out when he was plowing a field (when he was doing something tangible). Most of the world's greatest inventions were thought of while doing work. 

Also, men and women were more equal from the beginning of time to the beginning of the 20th century. But wages went down after WWII because employers had twice as many workers as needed and so both had to work to make one person’s income. Since then, it is thought that both genders must work outside of the home for equality. We can actually see, though, that dual income families tend to bring in less than a single income family. For example, a study less than 10 years ago examined a specific family. These were the financial circumstances:

• Dad 45 yrs old made $42,000 per yr.
• Mom 32 yrs old made $30,000 per yr.
• They had 2 boys at home.

An accountant looked at their finances for 2 days and looked at what the results were from having another income. Results showed that all together, they made $40,500 before taxes. The woman was working for around $1 an hour and was very upset to see that she was working and missing opportunities to teach and be with her children for such a low income. 

We see that the majority of families are the same way (shown is various studies). 

I want to testify of the importance of the gospel in our lives. The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints sent out a "Proclamation to the World" regarding The Family and the responsibilities of husbands, fathers, wives, and mothers. It also examines the importance of the home and children in a family. A portion of it explains:

By divine design, fathers are to preside over their families in love and righteousness and are responsible to provide the necessities of life and protection for their families. Mothers are primarily responsible for the nurture of their children. In these sacred responsibilities, fathers and mothers are obligated to help one another as equal partners.

This states that husbands are to provide, and wives are to nurture but they are to be equal partners, both contributing to their #1 cause: to raise their family in righteousness. I didn't have the opportunity to grow up in such an ideal family setting and thus see the importance of it. I had a rough and difficult up-bringing and because of it, I am taking this class to learn how I can break such a bad chain. My wife and I are both going to school and learning so much here. We are putting into practice many of these principles in our home and we have seen a big difference in our relationship. We love and rely on the Lord and listen to his counsels-- this principle being one of them. 

For more information about The Family: A Proclamation to the World go to: 

https://www.lds.org/topics/family-proclamation

The Importance of Communication in Marriage

According to Lauer and Lauer, experts in Family Therapy, communication consists of 3 parts:

• Words- 14%
• Tone- 35%
• Non-verbal- 51%

This means that most of the communicating we do is non-verbal. 

The communicating process is also vital to understand so that we communicate our message efficiently and effectively:

My thoughts/feelings--> I Encode--> Transmit through Media--> They Decode--> Thier thoughts/feelings 

Then they reverse the process to make sure they understand correctly:

Thier thoughts/feelings--> They Encode--> Transmit through Media--> I Decode--> My thoughts/feelings 

As we understand this process of communication, we can prevent many problems from happening, such as misunderstandings that can lead to breakups or even divorce. 

I know that if we have conflicts in our marriage or family, we should learn this process of communication. We also need to remember that sarcasm can cause ridged boundaries between people, so it should be used scarcely. It can lead to false assumptions and cause tension as well.

The Positive and Negative of Family Crisis

Stresses are most often associated with problems that inconvinient our lives and therefore do more harm to us than good. But in fact, it is quiet the opposite.

Take for example excersice. When working out, the muscles tear and tend to grow back stronger than they were before-- hence muscle mass. Working them out indeed destroys the muscle fibers and tissues but because of the way we percieve it, we tend to associate good health, strength and good looks with those that regularly excersice. Why is it then that other stresses or pains that occur in our lives don't benefit us in the same way?

Family Researchers have suggested a model or equation that helps us understand stressors and family crises:

A- Actual Event
B- Both Resouces & Responses
C- Cognition (Perspective)
_________________________
Total eXperience

This model suggests that both A and B can be different but as long as we look at the challenges or stresses in a positive way, it will determine if the total eXperience is for our good or bad.

There are several stresses in my life at this time such as:
-Going to college and trying to get the best grades I can to be able to support my family
-My calling as Counselor in the Elder's Quorum Presidency which includes duties such as making sure the members of my ward (church) are doing good and that new members feel welcome. It also includes making sure activities are being done and that help is distributed evenly to those that are having difficulties or struggling.
-Doing the dishes, laundry, taking out the trash, helping my wife with her homework, working part-time, and making sure that my wife and I read our scriptures and are praying daily, and cooking-- these simple small tasks build up each day and can be a stress.

But because of these stressors in my life I am grateful and am filled with life-- more than ever before. I have grown closer to my wife as I have helped her in her daily duties and have served her. I have never grown so close to someone as I have served them with all my energy and heart. I also have become closer to the Lord as I have served in my ward and helped those in need-- this helps me to take the worries and attention off of me and use that energy to help others who are worse off than me.

If it weren't for my trials, stresses, the 15-20 moves I have done in the past couple years, my parent's divorce, the stress of making new friends at school and having to find a job-- if it weren't for those things, I would not be as strong as I am now. I testify to the research done on family crisis: that they are to build us, as long as we keep a positive perspective on it.

The Importance of Teaching Sexual Intimacy to Our Children

We must understand that sex was not designed just for pleasure nor for child bearing. The benefits of sexual intimacy between and HUSBAND AND WIFE are:

• Expression of love
• You get to know you partner in ways that aren't possible in any other fashion
• Gain patience and show how much you care about them
• Creates a special bond between the couple

There are several chemicals involved in the process of "love-making" that are important:

• Seratonin (the "feel good" chemical)--> You release the most during climax
• Dopamine (the "exciting" addicting feeling)--> Usually in drugs and is the reason why pornography is considered a drug as well
• Oxytocin (the "bonding" chemical)--> Connects two people together

Most children do not get this information from thier parents. In fact, they might not get it throughout the course of thier lives. It is very important that we teach our children not only the importance and morals that reside inside of a healthy marriage between a man and woman but also teach them the WHY of sex and HOW it all works. Things we discussed that we should teach our children and would be valuable to them between the ages of 8-12 (before they get involved in sexual behavior): 

• Teach our purpose as eternal families
• Teach how God might have created our spirits and that it is a sacred act
• Be sure to be private when getting dressed or showering: showing this respect for your body will teach children the need for respect of thier own
• Teach the difference between intimate and normal relationships

We learned many things that I wish to write down but don't have time to. We must consider learning the dynamics of sexual intimacy ourselves to give our children a great perspective on how it really is. One major thing we must always consider is that OUR BEHAVIOR IS CONSISTANT WITH WHAT WE ARE TEACHING OUR CHILDREN. We must practice what we preach. And we must be open and loving enough towards our children before that moment comes to teach them any one principle because they must feel like you can talk to them. I am firm believer in teaching our children and creating that bond of love with them enough to talk to them about whatever might be on their minds-- even sex. If we don't teach them, who will?

The first year of marriage: preparation and challenges

There are several things a couple have to accommodate in their first year of marriage:

·         Lifestyle- eating and sleeping

·         Schedules

·         Distribution of responsibilities

·         Budget- time and money

·         Mutual decision making

·         Physical intimacy

·         Social circles

·         Establishing family boundaries

According to research, those that were well on their way to divorce all had ten areas of significant incompatibility; those with successful marriages had ten areas of significant incompatibility. The difference between the couples making them successful or a failure was how willing they were and how well they ACOMODATED to their spouse. If we want successful marriages, we must care about what our spouse wants just as much as we care about what we want for ourselves. Another key of success in marriage would be to know that more challenges and adjustments= successful marriages. The people with successful marriages had to work really hard to get there. Each spouse should always point out the good in the other—not their weaknesses.  We must always remember that people always need help finding their strengths. That helps them succeed more.

I know these principles to be true. I have and am practicing them and I have seen a difference in my marriage. I know that anyone who does the same will have very similar results.