The Importance of Communication in Marriage

According to Lauer and Lauer, experts in Family Therapy, communication consists of 3 parts:

• Words- 14%
• Tone- 35%
• Non-verbal- 51%

This means that most of the communicating we do is non-verbal. 

The communicating process is also vital to understand so that we communicate our message efficiently and effectively:

My thoughts/feelings--> I Encode--> Transmit through Media--> They Decode--> Thier thoughts/feelings 

Then they reverse the process to make sure they understand correctly:

Thier thoughts/feelings--> They Encode--> Transmit through Media--> I Decode--> My thoughts/feelings 

As we understand this process of communication, we can prevent many problems from happening, such as misunderstandings that can lead to breakups or even divorce. 

I know that if we have conflicts in our marriage or family, we should learn this process of communication. We also need to remember that sarcasm can cause ridged boundaries between people, so it should be used scarcely. It can lead to false assumptions and cause tension as well.

The Positive and Negative of Family Crisis

Stresses are most often associated with problems that inconvinient our lives and therefore do more harm to us than good. But in fact, it is quiet the opposite.

Take for example excersice. When working out, the muscles tear and tend to grow back stronger than they were before-- hence muscle mass. Working them out indeed destroys the muscle fibers and tissues but because of the way we percieve it, we tend to associate good health, strength and good looks with those that regularly excersice. Why is it then that other stresses or pains that occur in our lives don't benefit us in the same way?

Family Researchers have suggested a model or equation that helps us understand stressors and family crises:

A- Actual Event
B- Both Resouces & Responses
C- Cognition (Perspective)
_________________________
Total eXperience

This model suggests that both A and B can be different but as long as we look at the challenges or stresses in a positive way, it will determine if the total eXperience is for our good or bad.

There are several stresses in my life at this time such as:
-Going to college and trying to get the best grades I can to be able to support my family
-My calling as Counselor in the Elder's Quorum Presidency which includes duties such as making sure the members of my ward (church) are doing good and that new members feel welcome. It also includes making sure activities are being done and that help is distributed evenly to those that are having difficulties or struggling.
-Doing the dishes, laundry, taking out the trash, helping my wife with her homework, working part-time, and making sure that my wife and I read our scriptures and are praying daily, and cooking-- these simple small tasks build up each day and can be a stress.

But because of these stressors in my life I am grateful and am filled with life-- more than ever before. I have grown closer to my wife as I have helped her in her daily duties and have served her. I have never grown so close to someone as I have served them with all my energy and heart. I also have become closer to the Lord as I have served in my ward and helped those in need-- this helps me to take the worries and attention off of me and use that energy to help others who are worse off than me.

If it weren't for my trials, stresses, the 15-20 moves I have done in the past couple years, my parent's divorce, the stress of making new friends at school and having to find a job-- if it weren't for those things, I would not be as strong as I am now. I testify to the research done on family crisis: that they are to build us, as long as we keep a positive perspective on it.

The Importance of Teaching Sexual Intimacy to Our Children

We must understand that sex was not designed just for pleasure nor for child bearing. The benefits of sexual intimacy between and HUSBAND AND WIFE are:

• Expression of love
• You get to know you partner in ways that aren't possible in any other fashion
• Gain patience and show how much you care about them
• Creates a special bond between the couple

There are several chemicals involved in the process of "love-making" that are important:

• Seratonin (the "feel good" chemical)--> You release the most during climax
• Dopamine (the "exciting" addicting feeling)--> Usually in drugs and is the reason why pornography is considered a drug as well
• Oxytocin (the "bonding" chemical)--> Connects two people together

Most children do not get this information from thier parents. In fact, they might not get it throughout the course of thier lives. It is very important that we teach our children not only the importance and morals that reside inside of a healthy marriage between a man and woman but also teach them the WHY of sex and HOW it all works. Things we discussed that we should teach our children and would be valuable to them between the ages of 8-12 (before they get involved in sexual behavior): 

• Teach our purpose as eternal families
• Teach how God might have created our spirits and that it is a sacred act
• Be sure to be private when getting dressed or showering: showing this respect for your body will teach children the need for respect of thier own
• Teach the difference between intimate and normal relationships

We learned many things that I wish to write down but don't have time to. We must consider learning the dynamics of sexual intimacy ourselves to give our children a great perspective on how it really is. One major thing we must always consider is that OUR BEHAVIOR IS CONSISTANT WITH WHAT WE ARE TEACHING OUR CHILDREN. We must practice what we preach. And we must be open and loving enough towards our children before that moment comes to teach them any one principle because they must feel like you can talk to them. I am firm believer in teaching our children and creating that bond of love with them enough to talk to them about whatever might be on their minds-- even sex. If we don't teach them, who will?

The first year of marriage: preparation and challenges

There are several things a couple have to accommodate in their first year of marriage:

·         Lifestyle- eating and sleeping

·         Schedules

·         Distribution of responsibilities

·         Budget- time and money

·         Mutual decision making

·         Physical intimacy

·         Social circles

·         Establishing family boundaries

According to research, those that were well on their way to divorce all had ten areas of significant incompatibility; those with successful marriages had ten areas of significant incompatibility. The difference between the couples making them successful or a failure was how willing they were and how well they ACOMODATED to their spouse. If we want successful marriages, we must care about what our spouse wants just as much as we care about what we want for ourselves. Another key of success in marriage would be to know that more challenges and adjustments= successful marriages. The people with successful marriages had to work really hard to get there. Each spouse should always point out the good in the other—not their weaknesses.  We must always remember that people always need help finding their strengths. That helps them succeed more.

I know these principles to be true. I have and am practicing them and I have seen a difference in my marriage. I know that anyone who does the same will have very similar results.